2003-02-20
My Sister and the Past
Why is it that some people in life have no greater objective than to make other people unhappy? ...or worried? ...or to complicate lives for those whose lives are already at the maximum complication level? The person who seems to be doing that for me this week is...(of course you know it, if it's not that person who else could it be?)... my sister. She has a way about herself where she...I just KNOW that she really has this hatred for me. It's not like we try to kill each other or anything,...it's just that whenever I do something wrong, no matter how long ago it is...she always wakes up those sleeping dogs to complicate things more. There's a song by Garth Brooks (eew country! Don't shriek so loud!) that goes "We bury the hatchet, but leave the handle sticking out. We're always fighting bout things, we should forget about". It perfectly sums up our screwed twisted family relationship. I thought that she was supposed to look up to me and to be proud of me and to support my decisions...like my best friends (well...most of them) just in a more indirect fashion...but not my sister. She hates it when I do something good, and it's not like I go and rub it in or taunt her by saying stuff like "you'll never do that" or "you couldn't have even if you tried" or "dont' waste your time" or anything negative like that. I hardly even TELL her when I do something that I'm so proud of because she always always hates it. I always tried so hard to take care of her. I guess in a way,...I really helped her grow up. Mom and dad always worked or were off dealing with their own problems...I usually had to fend for myself, and watch Amber and take care of everything. If she got a bad grade, I lectured her and helped her see why she got the grade she got, and how to fix it next time that it happened. But she still hates me. I guess it might have something to do with my parents. I feel horrible saying this, but they HAVE always showed a slight incline in favoritism towards me. They pushed me so far past my limits that perfection is all I can have. I'm the kind of person who is seemingly happy with that 98/100 on that test,...but always I hear my parents' voices in my head saying "A 98? You should have gotten 100! You're smart. You have to do better."Some people might think that's a bad thing, that maybe my parents shouldn't have put so much pressure on me. Some people may be very right. But nothing can change the past. Nothing can change that I left her with mom and dad and went off my own way. Somedays I'm incredibly sorry that I did. I'm sorry that I craved independance and took the opprotunity. Everyone was better off after I had. Mom and Amber sure were. Money got easier to deal with, because my job helped me pay for everything that I had. My school, all of the funding I needed for that, I either ate at school or work, I wasn't home to eat dinner, so...I payed for all of that. I bought all of my clothes, paid my phone bills, everything with MY money. I thought that Amber would be grateful to me, because all of the money that I had usually gotten from mom and dad went straight to her pocket instead. But she didn't feel anything but anger with me. Then, she started hanging out with the wrong crowd...she started getting in trouble for petty little things here and there. So, I did the only thing that I thought would help. I begged and I pleaded with mom and dad for them to move in January to Oklahoma.
Amber went with them. I stayed behind. I went to IB, kept my A-average. I went to work, got more hours, more raises, became a work-a-holic who never took a sick day. Boy, I really had the right idea of life. I remember one Sunday (which was the busiest day of the week there) and I was working, and I hadn't felt good all day, I had a fever before I went to work, but I'm not the kind of person to let that stop me...so I went in anyways. An hour or so after standing at the register, working and working,...I just got so overheated and the room started spinning. So,...there I am, crouched on the floor, getting my bearings...and it hits me. Ash,...you can't handle this. You need to go home. You need to sleep, you can't do this anymore. So, I went home. I slept for about 30 hours straight. When I woke up, it was around three in the afternoon the next day. I got up, finished my school work, did my laundry, and the next day I was at school, making up everything I had missed. That night, I went right back to work. Once the school year ended,...I realized that if I stayed and worked all summer, it would just be the death of me. So I took a permanent vacation. I packed my things, and came down here again to live with my parents and my sister. Those five months away really killed my relationships with everyone. Mom wasn't like my mom...she was more of a buddy to me. Dad was just...dad. As long as I was taken care of,...he didn't care. Amber, on the other hand...was looking forward to the wrong thing. I had grown up alot. More than she or anyone thought I would. And that really killed her. She hated it. I loved it. I guess I still do. I know that all of that that I did, I really wasn't ready for it. But, I loved it. I did it. I survived well enough. And aside from a horrible relationship that I put myself through (*ahem* we just won't talk about that) I came here completely satisfied with my life.
And then I met Jeff, and I was so much MORE satisfied with my life. I had found someone who loved all of the quirky moods that I have, the zany explanations I have...every idea in my pretty little head. I wasn't...afraid to be myself. I just couldn't be any other way with him,...and I love that he loves me for that. Amber made that a little difficult too. And mom. And dad. And nickle. Pretty much everyone made that difficult,...but it hasn't stopped me. Now,...I know that they're doing what they're doing because they love me and they want me to be safe and happy. And I know that they think my decisions might not be the wisest in the world. But truthfully? Someday they will see. I wish I could let them see now, but...I think that the fact that I survive each day, the fact that I really am so much more happier...that just proves that all of it is so worth it. It is all worth it. Right now, it's a little tough because, even when we couldn't talk on the phone with each other, we always had these talks on the computer. But he's away for a few days, visiting some of his family, so...we don't even have that for a few days. But, it's all allright. Just a short time apart. It'll all be okay soon.
DLAND NEWS: teaforone has recently caught my interest. I've only had a chance to briefly browse through it, but...so far, I love what I see. tolkein-fan is the featurette of tonight. It's run by Sommer (a.k.a. captivated-) and it's such a kick-ass site. Check them out!
Mood of the Moment: Relieved
Lyric to Lounge to: "...Always been told that I have too much pride, too independant to have you by my side. But my heart said all of you will see, just won't live for someone till he lives for me. Never thought I would find love so sweet. Never thought I would meet someone like you. Well now I've found you and I'll tell you no lie. This love I've got with you could take me around the world, so show me love. Show me live. Baby, show me what it's all about. You're the one that I ever needed, Show me Love." from "Show Me Love" by Robyn
Question of the day: Did you see Dr. Phil today?? What'd Ya think when he said "What do you mean you feel bad when she doesn't have sex with you often? You should be lucky she wants to have sex with you at all!" ?
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