2007-09-25
I Need A Hug
So, here we are. It's been about a week since I wrote an entry in here. I've just been so busy with work. And a little depressed.I find that when I'm not feeling at my best, just throwing myself into work like I usually do doesn't really help so much. It's not really one thing that's making me feel so weird lately. It's an accumulation of everything...important or not, in my life right now.
Tim and I have been having these small stupid arguments lately, and I don't know why, but I actually want to yell at him...but I don't think that it's him that I'm frustrated with. I really think it's me. I want to go back to school. I want to move away. I want to do something, anything, other than sit at home and do the same thing over and over.
I'm tired of having the same thought over and over. I'm tired of watching the same movies, making the same food, having the same arguements and laughing at the same jokes that I have been the last two years.
I really wish that my mom still lived close. I want to move back home and go back to school and work part time and have her help with Owen. But I want to be with Timmothy too....but I'm having all of these weird feelings in my head...(erm...thoughts in my head...maybe...idk how it's supposed to go...it's that confusing right now.)
Owen rolled off of the couch yesterday. I cried. I laid him close to the back, on his stomach (he likes laying like that lately because he can do kind of a girly push-up and look around and laugh) while I went to flip the burgers. I looked over at the couch from the kitchen and I saw it all. It was like slow motion...he rolled onto his back, right off the couch onto the floor. He opened his mouth and let out the most heart-wrenching scream I've ever heard out of him. I was scared to death as I ran over to him and picked him up, feeling his head for bumps and bruises and feeling his back, hoping to God that nothing was broken. And I just held him close and comforted him and cried and apologized and kicked myself for leaving him right there. Five minutes later he was just fine. Laughing and smiling like nothing had happened.
I was awake all night, checking on him, making sure he was still okay, making sure there were no bruises or bumps that had formed in the last hour since I had checked.
I guess I should get ready for nights like that where I'm a nervous wreck, worrying about him and hoping that I'm not messing up as a mom...that I'm teaching him how to be a good person...
And then I just take a deep breath and know that everything will be just fine...and Owen will be who is destined to be...and I don't need to worry so much..
I just wish that I could get my life in as much order....
My favorite song right now is "Bandages" by Hot Hot Heat. I'm not sure why I like it so much. I guess maybe because I wish that I could just put a band-aid on the broken parts of my life and they would heal like magic. Lol. As if there was a reality in which that happens. Never.
I need a hug.
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